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v4nu53mp7y
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Name: meri
Country: United States
State: Washington
Metro: Seattle
Birthday: 4/6/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: ***bands*** taking back sunday, jimmy eat world, emery, bright eyes, the agony scene, the deadlines, the postal service, at the drive-in, hopesfall, afi, acceptance, death cab for cutie, vendatta red, calibretto 13, thursday, in media res, the streets, coheed and cambria, pedro the lion, brand new, dead poetic, the beatles, frou frou, alkaline trio, squad 5-0, sunny day real estate, the notwist, bush, allister, butch walker, finch, from autumn to ashes, smashing pumpkins... ***other stuff*** sleeping, poetry, deep conversations, chuck palahniuk, fire, drawing, wasting time, fight clulb, donnie darko, napoleon dynamite, vanilla sky, party monster, jones soda, singing, cooking, talking till early into the morning, rain, that smell before rain, vanilla, the smell of grass that's just been mowed, fresh-baked bread, toast, fashion, the nightmare before christmas, going to shows, getting in the pit, wearing scarves coupled with glasses, black cherry soda, anything by tarantino...
Expertise: breaking necks
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  breathisoverated
MSN: x_jacksbrokenheart_x@msn.com
Member Since:
9/24/2004
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| wow it has been turbo long since ive updated. im sorry. lifes been happeneing. and ive not been able to keep up very well. its all very stressful. and little meri isnt the happiest camper. its just... things happen and i find it hard to cope. its hard to stand up. but on the other hand... why do we fall? so we can pick ourselves back up. im going through one of those growing/transition/decision-making times again, just like what happened when i left trinity and got kicked out. i made things work eventually. i got back on my feet and life was acceptable for a while. i was pressing on. it was ok. for a while. but now's another one of those times where i need to change things. make things better. these past 7 months of me being on my own have been SUCH a learning experience for me. and i have been forced to turn into this turbo-responsible girl that i didnt know i was capable of being. have to budget and pay bills, food, keep my house clean, get things done. get myself places i need to be. and i do think ive matured a lot. i dont feel like im only 19. i mean, on the one hand i still feel like a baby and i cant really believe, still, that im on my own and doing the things i am. cause i look around and everyone seems so much older than me. and like, at work, im the baby, one of the youngest people working there. but the funny thing is that a lot of the people i work with still live at home. i cant even imagine how that would feel anymore... living with my parents and not having to worry about bills. i dont think i need to imagine that anymore cause i have a strong feeling that im not going to be living under their roof anymore. from here on out its going to be me and whomever i decide to spend my life with. my lease is up in a few weeks. plans are being made for me to start something different, which i know a lot of you wont appreciate or approve of. and im not asking your approval, just your continued support. and you dont need to feel like youre supporting what im doing, just me and my will to make something better of what ive been given. support me pressing on despite everything hard and scary and uncertain. thank you.
my <3 is with you all | | |
| I went and saw the ring two tonight. yeah. I know. that’s what I told myself when I was getting in the car. “meri, you don’t do scary movies. you spend them with your hands over your eyes, listening to the dialogue and sound effects. you have nightmares about them. you don’t do scary movies” nonetheless… I didn’t listen to myself, as always, and suddenly I found myself paying for my ticket. sitting in the theatre. and really… it wasn’t that bad. I thought I would crap my pants. and I didn’t. I actually think I laughed more at the movie than anything else. and Ashley made me scream more than the movie did. and it wasn’t a bad movie, either. I kinda liked it. plus, afterwards, we went out and got wendy’s. and now im sitting here eating my frosty. mmm. happiness.
we tried to find words
the ambience
we’re glowing
the dying fire
casts warm golden light
throwing shadows across the floor
creeping up the wall
beneath the blankets
your hand grips mine
head on your chest
two hearts beat slowly
words are always whispered
skin touching skin
piano’s accompanied by violins
lulled us to sleep
in other news… I slept in until 2 today. well really, I was up at 7am. cause I got sick. and I spent 4 hours falling in and out of sleep and feeling sick, and it was kinda trippy. cause I kept getting phone calls and it kinda wierded me out. I started dreaming about getting phone calls, and I would wake up not knowing who had actually called me and what I had dreamed. hmm. im a crazy girl. in any case, sometime around 11 I think I puked, then I went to bed till 2. I made fudge today. and crepes for dinner. im a happy little girl. my throat still hurts, but my headache is gone, so im not going to complain too much.
early
morning sun casts long shadows
from cups and tables
from bodies sitting sipping coffee
munching on muffins
distorting the shadow images
until they are unrecognizable
a cool breeze creeps up shirtsleeves
leaks through thin cotton pants
strands of hair are blown in front of eyes
and fingers move
pushing the wisps back to rest behind ears
voices and traffic create a gentle din
just noise as a background to her thoughts
around her sprout tiny signs of life
pink blossoms lace the springtime trees
lush green grass covers the neighbouring lawns
in this morning
equipped with pen and paper and time
embraced by stillness amidst the bustle of the city
she sits
comfortable and quiet
waiting
I had something I actually wanted to say, I mean, other than my constant rambling that no one ever reads (seriously, if you’re reading this, leave me a comment, I’d like to keep track and see if im right). I’ve been riding my bike a lot lately. I claim it’s my new addiction. and that me being addicted to riding my bike is a much healthier addiction than, say, drugs or sex or alcohol. its just… the feeling I get when im out and the road passing under my feet. its that whole symbolism idea again. where dan says that this nostalgia that I feel when I look at the world isn’t… sigh. I guess its just that what im looking at is symbolic of something else in my personal life. I just don’t know what it is. so for now my plan is I get up every day and ride my bike down the trail, feeling the wind in my hair and passing people by. and this fulfills me for the moment. but I still don’t know why. and maybe that’s the point. that I don’t know. for now, I just think theres something more to life than what I have. and I really want it. | | |
| two separate thoughts. this is more or less what happens when you decide you want to blog without being able to get online.
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(march 5, 2005) the first entry of each month kind of defines the month, I think. it sets the tone, the mood, for the rest of my everything until I reach the next first. so I always feel this pressure on me to make the first one into something impressive and interesting that wont let me down. but that’s a lot of pressure. and right now… I am tired. I want to sleep and dream and maybe not wake up for a while. but maybe that’s not what I should be defining the next month in terms of, sleep and dreams and never waking up… I should find something beautiful to define myself by. like today… riding my bike home from work. this is beautiful and nostalgic and the future and simplicity, all wrapped into one nice package. riding along the bpa trail. sun on my face and wind in my hair. racing down the hills and through the curves. me and concrete surrounded by tall grass. you could hear the crickets and flies and bees. the birds. the hum of the wires overhead. I felt so alone and far away in the midst of the city. and really, it was a beautiful feeling. I want my whole life to feel like that, to some extent.
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(march 7, 2005) I think its funny how life is so in perspective right now when I don’t need it to be. it could have been in perspective years ago, when I needed the perspective. when I could have taken my head out from my ass where I shoved it and looked around to see how great I really had it. but I guess that’s the thing with perspective. once you get it, you look back and realize all the time you were living…. well what else can you say about perspective. once you have it theres no going back. you look around you and see all the things people take for granted, because you cant anymore. because you have to fight for every breath. cause every moment you’re alive you’re learning and growing and you’re finding out more and more how good you used to have it. perspective means you used to be at the top. means you’ve fallen down and you have to work – hard – to get to where you used to be. life used to be handed to you. on a silver platter no less. you didn’t have to worry about when the next time you were going to eat was. not about paying bills. not about all the responsibilities of living. when life was easy it was carefree and all you worried about was aesthetic and fleeting things. clothes. make-up. hair. social engagements. music and movies. parties. money. things. you still can care about these things to some extent, but its different now that you’ve hit bottom. your priorities have changed. top of the list is bills. work. second comes food. third in line is transportation. money still holds you in its grasp but in a different way. instead of wishing you had more of it so you could buy all those things you’ll never need to impress people you don’t like, now the wishing is because your hungry. you need change for the bus. perspective means you can, for once in your life, agree that yeah, you did have it really good. cause now… life is shit and theres not a whole lot you can do about it. perspective changes everything. and its funny that the people with the most perspective are the ones who don’t need it at all. it’s the money-whores and ambercrombie-junkies that need to realize how good their lives really are. stop complaining about the little things. in the big scheme of things, on the grand scale of life, its not going to matter if your sweater has faded in the wash. if you break your nail. get a scratch in your car. perspective means you give a fuck about things you should. it means youre alive.
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photobooth (death cab for cutie)
I remember when the days were long
And the nights when the living room was on the lawn:
Constant quarrelling, the childish fits,
And our clothes in a pile on the ottoman;
All the slander and doublespeak
Were only foolish attempts to show you did not mean
Anything but the blatant proof
Was your lips touching mine in a photobooth.
And as the summer's ending,
The cold air will rush your hard heart away
You were so condescending:
And this is all that's left.
Scraping paper to document
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.
Cup your mouth to compress the sound,
Skinny-dipping with the kids from a nearby town,
everything that I said was true
As the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.
I lost track and then those words were said,
You took the wheel and you steered us into my bed.
Soon we woke and I walked you home
And it was pretty clear that it was hardly love.
And as the summers ending
The cold air will rush your hard heart away
You were so condescending:
And this is all that's left
Scraping paper to document
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on
And as the summers ending
The cold air will rush your hard heart away
You were so condescending:
As the alcohol drained the days
And as the summers ending,
The cold air will rush your hard heart away
You were so condescending:
And this is all that's left.
The empty bottles, spent cigarettes
So pack a change of clothes 'cause it's time to move on. | | |
| once upon a time when i was very young i had a dream that life was perfect and that it would stay perfect forever. and that even when i was very old that would be the standard i lived by. perfection. and i dreamt that there wasnt such a thing as unhappiness. i watched my friends around me, neighbors, sitcom characters on tv, and i saw their happiness and perfection. i projected that onto myself because, more than anything, thats what i wanted. something simple and happy and perfect. i grew up in this illusion that life was these things. but when everything broke i realized my fault in this. because life isnt these things at all and as long as we are alive it wont be. my eyes close slowly and i inhale deep. i hold it in my lungs and open my eyes letting it out in one long drawn-out breath. i refocus my eyes on the screen. my fingers find their places on the keys again. the afternoon seeps into my room from the window that is slightly ajar. everything is cold anymore. because i was tricked to think that life would be happy and simple for the rest of my life. but here i am. this is my house. i work to pay the rent. i am alone. i buy my own food. i pay for my electricity. cable. phone. water. bills. i fall asleep to the sound of silence and wake up in the same company. the hours i spend at home are lonely and filled with nothing productive. i can't even coax my hand into forming words that spill into lines across the page. something i can call my poetry. at night when the candles cast shadows across the floor and up the wall i sigh and wonder if life is always going to feel like this. because my eyes are open. is this life? there must be something more. when i walk through the neighborhood, down the streets of this city. i see things that grab at my heart. the way the wind rustles the leaves of the trees, stretching to the heavens. and how the sunlight fliters through the branches. the children playing: swinging on swings and sliding down the slides. cars pass me by. voices carry on the wind. a bird flies overhead. walking down the main drag, the city stretches out flat before and behind me. the sun sets over the rooftops creating vanilla skies. as darkness creeps into the evening streetlamps cast shadows and headlights illuminate the night. simple things find in me a soft place and tug at my soul. these things make me feel like i am missing something. and the feeling is so foreign yet i am completely familiar with it. i feel like there has to be something more to life than this routine. the work and sleep and dinner and a movie. something happier and simpler. something to fulfill. and as these feelings tear at my insides the feeling i get is that i'm nostalgic for something i've never had the pleasure to experience. i dont know what it is. so i just have to keep living. one day at a time. one crisis at a time. from moment to moment, making the best of everything because i'm scared of missing out on the best parts. right now is the greatest moment of my life. | | |
| tomorrow i have to get up and 7 to get ready to move everything from point a (here at my friend's house) to point b (my apartment). throw in variables w (nic coming to help me move), x (the problem of moving my bed from point c (my parents house) to point b so i can have something to sleep on tomorrow night other than the floor), y (the millions of people jenny has invited over to our house) and zed (my lack of sleep and the fact i have to work tomorrow night) into the mix and you make a pretty interesting day. how exciting.
i saw the village tonight for the first time. yeah. thats how cool i am. i just saw it. im not a big movie person, as you can probably tell from my post a few days back (ok maybe more than a few days). my thing with movies is that i cant get into them. i find it really hard to relate to the movie the way the director intends, because as an actor, and especially after taking my intro to theater class last semester, i am so picky and pay attention to everything. i can see right through everything thats going on. i focus on details not related to plot, such as costume and setting and technical aspects, not to mention the acting itself, and that greatly distracts me from the movie. so when i find a movie i enjoy, then i am uber excited about it. in any case. i saw the village tonight. i thought that as a whole it was poorly done. and i am kinda ashamed of m. night as the director, because up until now i have really liked his work. the movie was hyped up to be something it wasnt at all. it wasnt scary in the least. i did, however, enjoy some of the cinemetography. that was very splendid. the acting was mixed. brody did a good job in his role. but some other characters seemed off to me. for example, one thing i noted was that, considering the "setting," i would imagine the characters to all use the same speach pattern and language, which they did. it seemed very fitting to the setting of the seemingly omish/18th century town. there was one part, tho, where august speaks and he uses modern intonation and language. this at first bothered me and struck me as bad dialect coaching, but upon reaching the end of the movie i more or less could make an excuse for that. there were a few ends left loose, which i never like in movies. the scenery was beautiful. there was a crucial twist at the end. and i love twist movies. so on a whole i didnt like the movie. but the twist kind of redeemed it... and i think that purely because of that i would recommend it. great concept, superb concept, but poorly executed. there could have been a lot more done in the movie to hint at or toy with the twist. more teasing. and then once the twist was revealed, there should have been more done with it to make its impact greater. so many loose ends in the movie makes me wonder.... sequel?
haha. im such a drama person. i totally critiqued that movie. woo woo. has anyone else seen it? what are your thoughts? because of all the people i saw it with, i was pretty much the only person who liked it. oh wow. maybe i should go to bed soon... its almost 130, and im getting up early for the big day tomorrow... wish me luck in everything. | | |
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